Sunday, November 11, 2012

Today would have been my dad's 59th birthday. It was a regular day of course; I went to work, Z went to school, and afterwards the kids and I went to Z's soccer game. Afterwards though, I wanted to do something in memory of my dad. I had been thinking about it all day and hadn't come up with anything that felt fitting for a Thursday evening. Z wanted to go to Fresh Choice but I think he just wanted to go to Fresh Choice, it didn't really have a whole lot to do with his grandpa. He said it was a place we went to celebrate and he wanted to celebrate Grandpa, but there's nothing about Fresh Choice that really reminds me of my dad. I tried to find people to come out to dinner with us so that it would feel like more of an event but I had waited too long to try to organize something, and in the end we ended up picking up seafood burritos and bringing them home while Z and I talked about good memories we had of Grandpa.

One of the most heart-breaking facts of my life is that my dad and Az never got to know each other. My dad would have adored Az. He was so into Z, and I know he would have been just as into Az. Az would truly have been his reward for raising his obstinate daughter; she would have been the little girl for him to spoil and then hand over when she got moody or started to throw a tantrum. I know that my dad would have found Az to be absolutely beautiful with her Asiatic features. My dad deserved to know Az. I wish that he could have at least known she was coming.

Just as much I think Az deserved to know her grandfather. Both of her grandfathers passed away shortly before she was born. My dad passed away nine months before she was born and Miguel's dad passed away twelve months before that. Septembers were rough months for her grandpas. I don't know if Az will ever realize she has that hole in her life with not having a grandpa, I hope she feels so much love from the people she does have in her life she doesn't notice that absence, but I think I will always feel it. When I was a year old my father's mother passed, and my dad talked a lot about how much he missed her and how much she would have loved me through various phases in my life. I'm only now able to understand how heartbreaking it must have been for him to watch me grow up without his mother to also witness it.

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