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This is what tired looks like.

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Independence Day was a special day when I was younger, not quite right up there with Christmas and my birthday but pretty close. There were fireworks and barbeques and time with family and friends. July fourth was a good family friend's birthday and even if I didn't spend the day with him, there was always excitement around the day. When he passed away the day was a reminder of his absence from my life but the day still offered fun and excitement. I usually found myself spending time with my dad and my mom's brother Lanny and his family. I am especially fond of Lanny's family and looked forward to spending the day with them. Then Lanny passed away and his family moved to Nevada. Lanny's grand-daughter is my god-daughter and her birthday happens to be on July third so Z and I usually found ourselves in Reno for her birthday and Independence Day. (Don't worry, I'm not about to say that she passed away as well.) The complications of life got in the way and we stopped being able to spend the days with her and her family. For a couple of years I managed to gather friends together for river barbeques, but even that eventually sizzled out as people got other annual obligations. As with everything else I had my father to fall back on, and I often did attach Z and myself to his plans but alas he too passed away.

The fourth of July became a sad day for me, a reminder of fun times in the years past without any real offer of present or future fun. We have a couple standing offers to watch fireworks but none of them are things that work easily and happily for our little family. I spent a couple of years trying and failing to find a new tradition and feeling glum about it when nothing materialized. Last year Miguel and I decided to just leave the house and hope to happen upon something. We were on a mission to find some good barbeque because I at least wanted that part of my holiday tradition. We ended up at a local supermarket that barbequed out front. Once we got the food we realized we didn't really know where to take it. We drove to a neighboring town and ended up on a patch of grass. It wasn't bad, but it felt a little sad and lonely. While we were sitting there Miguel searched for things to do on his phone. He found mention of a county fair, which at least had fireworks.

We drove out there, me all the while feeling skeptical, but it turned out to be wonderful. The county fair was very small, the smallest I've ever seen, but that actually is ideal with Z. He went on a few rides, we walked around, and capped the night with fireworks. It was truly very nice.

This year we decided that we would just head straight to the county fair, since it had worked out so well the year before. I didn't bother trying to dig up any other plans and it made the day that much more enjoyable. Miguel worked in the early afternoon but that turned out for the best since it was a hot day and I think we would have both melted and experienced at least one melt-down had we tried to put in a full day. In other words, there would have been lots of melting all around. As it was we were there almost six hours.

The first thing we did when we got to the fair was put Az on her first carnival ride, a junior version of the Tilt o' Whirl. The four of us smashed in and Az really would rather have been doing a handful of other things. Once the ride got going she loved it though. Much to Z's chagrin we didn't get it anywhere close to its spinning potential, but it was the perfect amount of spinning for a two-year-old's first carnival ride. Unfortunately it turned out to be the only ride Az was tall enough for. Had I known this I would probably have waited a bit to go on it, but it was a fun start to the day nonetheless. Z had a wristband to go on unlimited rides but since Miguel and I were paying per ride the Tilt o' Whirl was both of our sole rides of the day. A couple days later Az was measured at an exam as being 32.5 inches tall. Many of the junior rides had a minimum height restriction of 32 inches so we might have been able to get her onto a few more rides with some coaxing her to stand up tall. She should be solid for next year at least.

Az also got to ride her first pony. When I first bought the ticket (the pony required a separate ticket from all of the other rides, which I bought from the girl standing by the gate and then handed immediately back to her) Az was wary of the animals and not wanting to go near them not one bit. So we left to go look at other things, and ended up on the Tilt 'o Whirl ride where she had a blast. I had promised Z that after the Tilt 'o Whirl we would go watch him do one of his rides but I wanted to take advantage of the rider's high Az was on so I rushed her across the fair back over to the ponies, where I encouraged Miguel to be pushy with the ride attendant and get her onto one of the ponies this go round. He got her onto the last free pony and Az of course had an absolutely wonderful time. When it was time to get off and move on to other things she stayed focused in her attempts to get back over to the ponies. She was very gentle and kind with her animal, petting it and straining to see its face so she could talk to it often. Not surprisingly her interest in My Little Ponies has also increased quite a bit since then.

Z had a very nice time as well. He continues to try out things that were not so long ago out of his comfort zone, which is huge for him. I tried bribing and bullying him into trying out the yo-yo (the swings that turn above the heads of passersby) but they were still a step beyond what he is willing to try. Which is fine, he went on a number of rides that I thought were much "scarier," but a mom is free to be greedy when it comes to milestones right?

On the first ride Z went on he met a boy roughly his own age whom was there with his parents. He wanted someone to go on the rides with and invited Z to hang out with him. I told Z it was fine and started to follow the boy to the attraction he was headed to, the ride that is a jungle of foam and bridges ending in a slide, but Z zipped ahead of him and ran through the entire thing almost before the boy had even entered. This continued in the fun house and every other thing the boy asked Z to join him on. The boy was patient and continued to go on things with Z, despite the fact that Z wasn't actually doing any of it with him. Eventually we broke away to do other things, but I wish I had realized there were a couple of rides that required groups of two because of course Z ended up wanting to go on them. He had the good idea of approaching kids his age whom had wristbands to ask them if they wanted to go on any of the rides with him, but none of them did.

When Z was standing in line for the bumper cars he was behind two boys around his age, and in front of them was a boy who appeared to be maybe seven or eight. Z was his usual outgoing self, talking away at them and trying to get them to laugh, all the while standing much too close to them. He got them to laugh all right, but they were clearly laughing at him. Even the boy who was much younger than Z was joining in on making fun of him, which bothered me much more than the older boys for some reason. I guess I feel like younger boys are supposed to look up to the older boys.  They're supposed to be the ones trying to do the impressing.

I wanted to just stand back and let the scene play out because I can't hover over Z his entire life but he was getting more and more wild, spinning, flapping, jumping, and making loud noises in an attempt to get the boys to laugh. I think Z could sense he was being rejected, and when he feels like he isn't being accepted he starts to get more frantic, and "spin" in an attempt to get his audience back. When Miguel came back from the bathroom I sent him over to discreetly tell Z to cool it a little. Z replied, "They think I'm funny." Miguel told him that they weren't laughing with him, and Z did tone it down a little but it's just not in his nature to just stand there and try to look cool. Z could care less about looking cool.

The encounter was a good reminder of how lucky we are to have found the school Z is currently in. Z would be eaten alive at most junior high schools but at the school he's at he's free to (mostly) be himself. He's not the weird kid, and most of the time when the kids are laughing at him it's because they genuinely think he's funny. I think life would be a lot different (and more difficult) if we hadn't been welcomed into his school community.

This was supposed to just be a photo of Z but then Az ran in to stand next to him and pose. This is something she's begun doing on her own. I have no idea why, but I obviously love it.

Last year Az was happy to ride around in the backpack carrier the entire time, but this year she had places to be and things to explore. She still spent a fair amount of time in the carrier, but she was no fool; there was a carnival to explore!

See? I was there too!

Exploring on foot.

Feeling silly back in the carrier. This appears to be a very sweet photo until you realize that she was actually trying to eat her dad's head, not kiss it.

Az noticed me taking photos of her Eating Daddy's Head antics, stopped to make this face, and then dropped her expression as soon as she heard the camera click. Yep, my barely two-year-old posed for a photo sporting my signature "silly face photo" expression even though I've mostly tucked it into the closet these past couple years. The fourth wall has been broken.

Just as it was getting dark we grabbed some food and headed to the field in anticipation of the firework show. There was a band playing in the interim, a head-bangers meet Boz Scaggs type of band. I didn't really think much of them one way or the other, but Az was transfixed. My little music loving girl thought it was just the coolest thing ever, and it made me realize we haven't been to any concert in the park type of things since she has been old enough to be aware of her environment. Obviously I'm going to have to change that soon. Even after the fireworks show, it was the live music that had her talking.

Which isn't to say she didn't enjoy the fireworks. That was pretty cool too.

I still miss the extended family and friend aspect that the holiday used to have for me. If I'm being completely honest I don't look forward to the day anywhere close to as much as I used to, but I don't dread it either. Until we find a new tradition that does involve family and friends and barbeques the county fair will do as a very lovely placeholder. And honestly, I bet when my own kids look back on these years and their Independence Day memories they'll feel like their present celebrations aren't nearly as special. It's the way of these things.

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Miguel, the kids, and I met up with my friend Naomi for a barbeque at Steelhead Beach today. I think Steelhead is going to be our go to beach for a while until Sunset simmers down. The other morning as we were driving by Miguel pointed out a car in the lot that appeared to have been recently set on fire. After my own experience with window smashing there recently I'm crossing Sunset Beach off of places we frequent.

I don't think barbeques are strictly allowed on the beach proper, as a barbeque area is provided near the parking area, but Miguel carried down a small portable one to cook some chicken for us. I had expected the beach would be packed and full of people to object to our smoke but for most of the time we were the only people on the beach. And when we got back to the van, it was fully intact. Steelhead definitely went up a few notches in my book.

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Sporting the remains of her new favorite treat, ice cream.

We finally turned Az's car seat to the forward facing position, and I'm still of very heavily mixed feelings about it. I only waited until Z was a year old to turn his car seat from the rear-facing position but with a decade more of research under the books I wasn't comfortable turning Az so soon. Although it's legal for a baby to ride in the car facing forward on their first birthday, it isn't nearly as safe. I've watched enough Myth Busters to not be gung ho about the turning the car seat ceremony.

I had originally thought I would wait until Az reached the rear facing weight limit of 40 pounds to turn her around. The American Pediatric Association recommends this. On Az's birthday she hovered somewhere around 25 pounds, so those 40 pounds might see her in first grade. Since she is so light I didn't turn her on her second birthday like I had originally planned, which was a little bitter-sweet. I really love that moment of being able to turn the seat and suddenly having a baby in the car with me that is so much more present. I love the greatly expanded view the baby gets. But even more than that, I love knowing my baby is as safe as I can make possible.

Miguel was really pushing for turning her seat though. He felt bad that her space was getting so cramped; her legs no longer had anywhere to go so she was forced into criss-cross apple-sauce most of the time. (I have no idea what the PC version of the term is these days, so I'll use the term most kindergarteners know.) I felt bad about this too, but again I wanted her as safe as possible.

Miguel obviously won, and Az was turned around. I really am enjoying having her be a part of the crowd now. We are able to talk more and I can see what's going on with her much easier. It is really neat hearing her talk about all of the things she can see now. This morning there was a cat way down the road I could barely make out and she was already excitedly talking about it. I also am realizing that she is much better at longer car rides than I had realized. It turns out most of the time she was crying for seemingly no reason before was actually because her brother was encroaching on her space in some way. Now I'm able to see what is going on back there much easier.

It's also a lot easier to get Az in and out of the car seat, which is fantastic. There are so many great things about Az facing forward in her car seat. Still though I do sort of wish we had waited a little longer, until she weighed closer to the weight limit. It's not like me to give in to peer pressure. I don't think I'm going to be able to convince Az to go back to rear-facing now that she's experienced the good life though.

This week was light on Z photos so I'm obviously choosing to use the same photo I used for Az. It makes for a boring blog series, but both of these photos will be going into separate books eventually.

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On Saturday of this week the kids stayed at my mom's while Miguel and I went to San Francisco for his birthday. Z has always liked going to his grandmother's. It used to be because he had a cabinet there for his art items and he could sit in the hallway and create to his heart's content but increasingly now he looks forward to going there because he knows it means getting to log in hours on her laptop. Z's media time is limited at home and is based on a reward system related to his behavior at school but at Grandmama's he has free reign. My own laptop is most likely on its last legs and so Z isn't allowed on it so he gets in all of his computer time at his grandma's. I suggested the idea that I might be able to get him a laptop of his own, but it would have to be at least both a Christmas and birthday gift. His love of being online apparently does not exceed his love of getting multiple gifts however. He says he would rather get two mystery gifts than one laptop. I'm beginning to suspect that I may spoil him a little.

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Trying to figure out what has her brother so rapt. She didn't spend too much time on the puzzle though, as there were too many other things to explore.

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Today's photo is borrowed from my mom's Facebook. I took a lot of photos this day, but for once hardly any of them featured my kids. Miguel and I dropped the kids at my mom's house and headed to San Francisco to officially celebrate his thirtieth birthday. Almost a year ago I had purchased twenty-one tickets for a sunset cruise around the bay on a schooner so we had been waiting a long time for the day. I think I can say with all confidence that Miguel had a fantastic time. It was both his first time on a schooner and his first time on the bay and he got to do both of them with most of the people he loves to spend time with best.

I can say with a little less confidence that both of the kids had a good day as well. Z loves going to his grandma's because he has free reign of her laptop. My own laptop is much too temperamental so Z isn't given any reign of it at all. So I'm not even sure if he even realized I wasn't there with him at his grandma's. Az also loves going to Grandmama's but she's not used to being away from Miguel and me. My mom reports that Az did great until it was time to change her clothes for bed, at which point she melted down. It was the longest time that we've ever been away from her so all things considered, I think it went rather well.

When I got back to my mom's Az and Z were crashed out on the bed my mom had made on the floor, Az with her foot thrown over Z while she slept. I crawled in next to her and she stirred and said, "Mama. Mama boat?" When I told her that I had indeed been on a boat she sighed, "Okay," and went back to sleep.

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We went back to the water park today, but this time we got to bring Daddy. I hadn't realized all of the rides and animals are shut down on Fridays, but we were still able to visit the cow through the fence. While we were visiting with the cow a woman walked up and said, "Ooh, look at the calf!" Az turned to her and said matter of fact, "It's a cow." It was the first exchange she's ever had with a stranger that actually could be considered a conversation. The woman responded that it could also be called a calf, but Az again corrected her. "No, it's a cow." I told Az that a baby cow is called a calf but she seemed unconvinced. I knew better than to insist because, yeah, it was also a cow.

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Recouping after the previous night's hard partying.

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     It was Miguel's 30th birthday today. He had to work during the day and Z had school but Az and I decided that there was no reason why we couldn't celebrate for him. We went to the Big Park, where the water feature was going strong. I hadn't planned on Az getting soaked but hey, her dad only turns thirty once right? In the spirit of continuing the celebration and because she'd been asking after ice cream all day I got her a popsicle before we headed off to pick up Z and then Miguel.

      Az's newest favorite food is ice cream, which she has come to associate with gas stations. Whenever we pull up to the pump she asks hopefully, "Ice cream?" On our way to Lake Shasta I had stopped to get gas and returned with an ice cream bar to share with Z and her. The next time she realized we were at a gas station she remembered this and asked for ice cream again. It was the day Miguel was attempting to reinstall my van window so we were there for at least an hour and it just so happened that the gas station had soft serve for a dollar so I went ahead and got her one. That was all it took to cement the connection, gas stations equal ice cream, in her mind despite the fact that she hasn't gotten ice cream at one since. It never hurts to ask though I suppose.

After Miguel got off of work we went home. We had thrown around various ideas but since I was throwing a big 30th bash for Miguel that weekend we settled on just coming home and hanging out. After a couple of hours at home I decided that I didn't care if Miguel was having a party in a few days, today was today and Miguel was thirty. So at the last minute we threw some blankets and an emergency radio into the van, stopped for pie since Miguel much prefers it to cake, and then we headed to the Concord Drive-Ins to watch Brave and then The Avengers.

Az had been gifted a Brave doll at her birthday party, which she had instantly loved without knowing there was a character attached. She grabbed Merida to come with us on her own (though if she hadn't I would have.) When the movie came on Az was instantly transfixed. She held the doll up so she could see the big screen and kept exclaiming, "See?! See?!" Merida the Doll's new official name according to Az is now "Movie Doll." As in, "Bring Movie Doll to bed?"

The kids had a blast at the drive-in. This was Az's third or fourth time, but the last time she had been much younger. She was mostly attentive to the movie, though she did spend some of it running around the small asphalt hills of the parking lot. When The Avengers came on I had Z climb into the back seat of the van so he could lay down and watch from inside with the van parked backwards and Az and I settled in behind him on a bed of sleeping bags. The three of us all passed out not that far into the movie, but Miguel reports it was good.

We didn't get home until after 4 in the morning. Az had slept so long by that time that we did a second bedtime. We read Shoe La La, her new favorite book, and then I tucked her in and she nursed back to sleep, staying asleep for about five more hours. I kept Z home from school and we all continued celebrating by sleeping in nice and late.

Just before The Avengers began. Can you tell which two of the three were just minutes from passing out?

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Miguel, Az, and I headed downtown for lunch today. I've been driving Z to school each day because the school district hasn't been able to find anyone else, which means Az and I have had a lot of time to fill in town. It's nice spending time and making memories with both of my children together but I do have to admit that I've been glad that Z was offered the chance to go to ESY (extended school year.) He has been having a lot of fun at school each day, excitedly spilling over with stories of his day when I pick him up at 2:20. The real reason ESY is offered to him is so that he can continue work on his social skills and so that he stays used to the routines of school but the fact that he really enjoys going and learning has been a fantastic additional benefit.

I've also liked the one-on-one time with Az, doing things that we might not be able to do as easily with her big brother in tow. We've been going to parks that Z can sometimes get into trouble at and I've been able to focus my attention on Az and hang out completely in the areas designated for younger children like Az. We've been having a really nice summer, though I do wish I was then getting one-on-one time with Z to do things we can't do as easily with a toddler.

On this day we had walked downtown to get lunch and bring it to one of the many grassy areas. I really do love our downtown (I still consider it to be "ours" even though I don't actually live there any longer.) I'm always sort of proud when I get to show off the downtown area to visitors. The spot we sat at on this particular day hosts a lovely fountain/water area and benches, though we sat on the grass the better for Az to run around. I've always kept both of the kids at a distance from the water because it is gray water, but once I happened upon Miguel and Az climbing their way through. It left an impression in Az's head and of course she now wants to climb through it every time but luckily there are plenty of other things to catch her attention in the area, like the light poles which are obviously meant for swinging on.

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Waiting for Z to finish his tae kwon do class, while Dad naps.

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 Playing tag with Naomi at Az's second birthday party. He found a few other boys to join in on the chase. Chasing games have become one of Z's main ways of interacting with new kids. It's been a tool he's been eager to take out of his pocket for many years but up until now he has had trouble with not being too handsy/ being gentle with the actual tagging part of the game. Now that he is better able to gauge what an appropriate level of pressure when tagging is, I've been able to let him experiment with this new way of playing. Tag is a great game for a kid like him as long as everything stays gently because it's a pretty universally fun thing in the eyes of most kids and it doesn't take a whole lot of conversational skills to partake. Of course, most boys in junior high like to think that they're too cool for such games so it might not help him a whole lot with interacting with boys his age. Really though, who wants to interact with someone who is too cool for tag?!

When I walked into the room I found the two of them like this. Z is usually forbidden from sitting in the pack 'n play because I'm afraid he's going to tear the bottom but since the pack 'n play is going to be retired soon I decided to let them both stay. It sometimes feels like I spend so much time saying "no" to him about everything, there needs to be things I let him "get away with." Considering the alternatives letting him read in the playpen with his sister doesn't seem that bad.

Getting gourmet cupcakes for his sister's birthday. I'm not exactly crazy about the way I look in this photo; I was getting impatient for Miguel to take the picture, but I love the way that Z looks. I can see a little peek into the man Z will be soon enough.

Children's Fairyland in Oakland for Az's birthday. Az was dressed as Snow White so I joked to Z that I was going to make him wear a crown and be his sister's Prince Charming. He just shrugged and said, "Okay." I love that at eleven-and-a-half he isn't too cool to do things like that. I could only find a crown that was a little too elaborate for not-the-birthday-kid, otherwise my selection was paper crowns that made the Burger King ones look like true jewels so I let him off the hook.

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Today was the sort of day designed for hanging out in one's PJs, playing with new toys and unwinding from previous days of birthday cake induced sugar highs and shenanigans.

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Today was Az's second birthday celebration with family and friends. Last year I made a big to-do of her birthday party and was let down by a low turn-out so this year I decided we would have a more intimate gathering at Children's Fairyland in Oakland. All of Az's favorite people were there so she considered the day to be a smashing success. She wore her Snow White Halloween costume because it was her birthday and she could, ate more than her fair share of salami, a food item I had really hoped to not introduce her to for a few more years, and got quite the variety of dolls and books, two of her favorite things of course. Each time just before she opened a present she asked, "Barbie Doll?" Alas none of the presents did contain a Barbie, though I have a feeling that next year she'll receive quite a few. Maybe next year I'll try to have a bigger more official party for her but this year, with her father's 30th birthday party planned for the next weekend and a mother who was still burnt out from the exhaustion of prepping the year before, the smaller sandwich buffet and miniature house party was perfect. (Az called all of the small buildings "dollhouses," because the best kind of building is obviously a dollhouse.)

Two of the girls I've considered to be my best friends going on two decades now, Az, her grandmother, and father. We invited three of Az's cousins from Miguel's side but unfortunately she didn't interact much with them. I'm hoping that within the year the kids will start to show more interest in each other. In the mean time, Az had a blast playing with my friends.

I wanted a picture of Az with Fairyland's Snow White, but didn't know if she would be interested enough to pose with her. Az has never actually seen the movie Snow White; Az has never actually seen any Disney cartoon, so I didn't know if she would get that she was dressed up as her. I should have known better than to underestimate the girl. She totally and completely understood that they were the "same," though she was curious about why their shoes were not. (I had brought along a red Snow White-esque ribbon and blue shoes that were very similar to the ones from the cartoon but Az preferred to rock the gold shoed, pig-tailed Snow and really it didn't matter in the long run.) She hugged Snow White repeatedly and whispered Snow White secrets to her. She was actually very kind to the statue, sensing that she had to take care of her own kind I suppose.

We were posing and being silly with the semi-creepy statues when I realized that Az was posing too, with hands on her cheek looking surprised at us. Between takes she would put her hands down, and as soon as we started posing she went back to her surprised pose. I think we have a new BFF in the making.

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Today marked the second anniversary of the day Az officially entered our lives. As I posted on my Facebook page, "It's both hard to believe that it's already been two years since she came twirling into our lives and filled a void we didn't even realize we had and hard to believe that she's only been a part of our world for two short years. I can't imagine existing in a world that didn't include her" 

We started the day a little earlier than Az would have preferred. I woke her up early because Miguel had to get to work and I wanted him to be a part of the morning festivities. When Az woke up and stumbled into the front room she found a room full of pink and purple balloons. She was so distracted and happy about the balloons (it was still a little too early for her to be "excited" about anything) that she didn't notice the new dollhouse and presents sitting waiting for her. She knew she was getting a dollhouse, as she had requested one, and she had seen the picture of the dollhouse on the box sitting in the living room for a few days before her birthday but she was not prepared for the joy that is an actual dollhouse available to play with. It was love at first sight.

She very slowly opened the few other presents I'd gotten her, and was thoroughly appreciative of each one. Or at least she "ooohed" and "ahhhed" a satisfactory amount. Z was very eager for her to open all of her presents but she stretched the present opening ceremony over the course of a couple hours, playing with each item a while before opening the next and mostly trying to figure out how she could incorporate it into the dollhouse.

Miguel made her breakfast. I had wanted to make her a few of her favorite things but it's hard to say what her favorite breakfast items are. She loves fried eggs but I make her an egg over easy almost every morning so it didn't feel birthday special. Miguel and I agreed sausage had to be part of the meal, because the girl loves sausage, and I decided that french toast would be enough to complete it. When we were in the store buying her breakfast items Az requested chocolate milk, something she had never tried before. I think the chocolate milk was the biggest hit of the meal. Really, we could have just filled her sippy with chocolate milk and called it a day. For the next couple of days whenever she saw the chocolate milk carton in the fridge she smiled and said, "Happy birthday," expectantly waiting for me to pour her some. Which I of course had to do.

After breakfast Az went back to her beloved dollhouse and balloons and Miguel left for work. Az went down for an early nap and when she woke up it was time to get ready for the day and meet Miguel at the gourmet cupcake shop. Az was a little nonplussed with her cupcake; she lapped at the frosting a bit but didn't touch any of the actual cake. I think she was still feeling the effect of me waking her up early. After that we ran last minute errands to pick up things for her party the next day. I had hoped to take her out to a breakfast dinner but by the time we were done running errands everything was closed and we ended up at a taqueria. She didn't know the difference of course.

By the time we got home it was time for both of the kids to climb into bed, Az wearing her new Minnie Mouse pajamas and matching tutu. She managed to sneak it some time playing with the dollhouse first of course. I think she would say she had a very nice birthday, if she had the vocabulary and understanding to say such a thing. 

The bed-headed baby big girl checking out her new almost-furnished dollhouse. I hadn't planned on filling it with Melissa and Doug, since their dollhouse furniture can be a little pricey and delicate for a toddler, but then I randomly found the complete Victorian set in the local 5 and dime, all marked half off. That made it quite a bit cheaper than the furniture I had been eying online so I went ahead and got most of it. Az immediately broke one of the kitchen chairs.

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It's been a long time since Az actually slept in the pack 'n play, not for naps and not at bedtime. I have no idea how this happened. I'm not as upset as I might be, because I am a believer in co-sleeping and was always open to the possibility of Az moving permanently into my bed but I had hoped she would learn to fall asleep on her own in the pack 'n play. At the moment she still needs Miguel or me to lay down in bed with her until she falls asleep at night. She falls asleep for naps semi-independently if only Miguel is home, usually passing out on  the couch it seems, but if I'm around she very much insists on nursing or at least being in physical contact with me. It's been long enough since she has used the pack 'n play for anything but the play aspect so I think I'll be packing it up in the next few weeks, if not days. I'll move all of her stuffed animals and lovies to the chair it currently butts up against so that Az still feels like she has a place that is hers in the room, and I guess we'll just take it from there. I've played around with the idea of moving a bed I have downstairs in the basement up to the bedroom and calling it hers, though I know Miguel will spend more time in it than she will, but I'm not fully committed to the idea.

On this night I walked into my bedroom to find both of the kids sitting in the pack 'n play quietly reading their respective books. Z has never been allowed to sit in it because I was afraid he was too heavy so I'm not sure exactly why he was there, but since I'm planning on packing it up soon anyhow I figured it would be okay to let him get away with it this time. Z loves spending time in my bedroom and on my bed even though he has a very nice room of his own. I suspect that if Az gets a bed in my room he'll end up expecting one too.

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"Seriously Mom, do you have to shove that thing in face every waking moment?"

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Trying to hide from me and the camera while Daddy works on the van window. The rest of my pictures are of a blurry baby-sized figure running away from me.

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Hanging out in the van while Daddy searched the junkyard for a window to replace the one that was smashed. After a couple hours of searching he returned to report that he had found one that would work but that he had been unable to get it completely out so we would have to return another day. I was worried that someone else would capitalize off of Miguel's hard work of getting it mostly out and go ahead and finish the job for him, taking the window as their reward. I haven't wanted to carry my camera with me, for fear that it would meet the fate of my purse, so you might be stuck with phone photos for a little while. I wish I didn't have such a deep resentment for the camera on my phone, but I'm beginning to suspect that it's out to drive me nuts. I think I'm going to have to brave up enough to start carrying my camera again very soon.

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The beginning of the week found us at Lake Shasta and by the end of the week Z was back at school, thanks to extended school year. Z has always enjoyed our summer trips to various weeks but this year he was much more open to try new things and I think it led to an even better experience for him. In the past he has only been willing to go into the water as far as he could without having to let go of the boat ladder with either hand. This year he just jumped in (with his life jacket on of course) without any discussion and he happily floated about. Even more surprising to me was the fact that he climbed up onto the roof of the houseboat and hung out there reading books most of the trip. For many years his fear of heights has kept him from doing a lot of the fun little boy things I've wanted him to experience. He even decided to go fishing, not something he was ever fearful of but something that he never showed any interest in despite lots of prodding and encouragement. It's fun watching him expand his idea of fun, when he's been so limited in what he would add to the list in the past.

Z still refuses to give swimming lessons a chance though. He actually did agree to do private lessons but I just couldn't swing them despite Aunt D's offer to help out with the cost. I'm pretty sure the pool we've gone to for lessons in the past does private lessons into autumn though, so hopefully that is still something that happens this year. We spend much too much time around water and have such a collective love for spending time in water, it just doesn't make sense for Z to not know how to swim.

Speaking of lessons, I went back and forth on whether to have Z participate in extended school year. I haven't in the past few years because the school year from August to June was such a daily struggle and source of stress, I felt like he deserved and needed some time to unwind and just enjoy being a kid. We received his report card from the school year that just ended and he earned all A's and A pluses (including the areas involving socialization) so he doesn't need the extra schooling. His teachers felt so strongly about the benefits of him going though, and honestly this past year was by far the least stressful of his school career thus far that I was heavily swayed to enroll him. Once we found out there would be a heavy emphasis on building real working Lego robots and that students would be creating a music video for the song they had been writing together, the same song Z is constantly singing outside of school, I knew there really was no decision to be made. Z was going to summer school.

His attendance hasn't been perfect, he actually missed the very first day because we got home so late from Shasta the night before, but he has been going and having a blast. It's been a nice excuse for Az and I get our butts out of the house nice and early and make a day for ourselves as well. I like that Z wants to go to summer school and that he has such enthusiasm for something that has been such a source of struggle for him. I've always been worried that by the time we reached this point, right before entering junior high, that he would be fighting me on every turn about going and participating. A lot of it has to do with Z and his love of learning and showing off his knowledge, but I think his current school has to be given some credit as well. I truly feel like the school he is in now has been his salvation. I know junior high could easily throw us a curve ball but from where I sit everything looks to be much smoother sailing than it has since Z entered kindergarten.

I feel like the last few entries have been about how I see Z growing, but that's because I do. He still has a long ways to go, I would never suggest he go into a mainstreamed school at the moment or anything and I still have to take lots of deep breaths throughout the day but I finally see Z developing in ways I've been crossing my fingers and making wishes in tunnels for since he was very young. He's always been such a sweet, amazing kid. I'm glad he's finally letting other people realize it.

167/366
I've been afraid to go out anywhere with my van window smashed. I'm afraid that if I park and leave it anywhere I'll return to find the whole van gone. So until I figure out how to get the window fixed I've been stuck at home. On the night that my window was smashed a guy came sauntering up to me in the driveway to chat. He's staying across the street and I guess he was bored. It turned out we'd been in the same class in sixth grade, and we ended up chatting for a couple of hours. On a normal night when my van hadn't just been broken into I would have probably excused myself and gone inside immediately but it was just one of those weird nights.

My former classmate had trouble placing who I was at first, until I mentioned that I was partially Asian to explain to the Asiatic features of my daughter. Apparently that was all it took for him to remember me. "Oh your eyes were more slanted back then, huh? You had dark curly hair." Once I confirmed that was in fact me, with a horrible early 90s perm, he told me I hadn't liked him, and that I had been really stuck up and full of myself. I told him that I had been really shy, but he said that I always had a sour expression on my face. That part could have been true.

The guy turned out to be a mechanic, and he offered to fix my window for me but when he got home Miguel was wary and told me that he would figure out how to do it himself. The thing about Miguel is that he can figure out how to do just about anything given an Internet connection and enough time. The flip side is that it always takes a whole lot of time. It was a slow process, of finding a compatible window at a junk yard and trying to figure out how to get it out of the old car's frame and then how to get it into my van's frame, made all the more fun by the fact that it was an automatic window in an old car that didn't even have a motor any longer.

It took about a week to get the window in from the night the old one was smashed out. On the night that the above photo was taken the kids and I were still stuck at home and I was still feeling down about the fact that someone had taken my possessions from me. It's funny how attached people can get to material possessions, but some of the things I lost along with my purse had accompanied me on my adventures for over a decade. I hadn't been up to taking many photos on this day, and the baby was making it no easier by dodging the camera lens whenever possible so this is what I was left with, a photo of my daughter sharing her stinky toddler toes with her father.